


Bad Days

by A_dot_Gab



Series: Life is Fleeting. Death is Eternal. Take Good Care of Me. [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, a couple OCs but mostly to help me, it ends well enough but I got a little dark, mild depression possibly, one is almost an actual character, this time, worsening illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-14 11:54:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5742874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_dot_Gab/pseuds/A_dot_Gab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which through the incessant coughing caused by his failing health, Alexander understands his late cousin a bit more than is good for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one got a lot worse than I intended. Tread carefully.

"Alexander, please come sit on the bed. I'll bring the chamber pot over to you." Aaron coaxes. The watery, red-eyed stare he receives is hardly a response but it's all Alexander can manage considering he feels as though he's hacked up half the blood in his body(he's been coughing all night) and he's still coughing. Aaron puts his foot down when a particularly violent fit drops Alexander to his knees. In three paces he crosses the room. "I'm no longer giving you a choice." Aaron snaps, scooping Alexander into his arms as the fit calms. He carefully takes Alexander back over to the bed and places him down before retrieving the chamber pot. As soon as he sets it down Alexander is coughing up more watered down blood. Aaron retrieves papers from his desk and comes back over to sit down next to Alexander, who glares at him but refrains from speaking for fear of initiating another coughing fit. Aaron shrugs in response and tells him, "If you won't let me help you further then I'll suppose I'll get some reading done until you decide to stop being so stubborn." Alexander attempts to sigh in annoyance but only ends up coughing again(Aaron tries, and fails, not to wince at the painful sound).

They spend the entire day in virtually the same position, Alexander leaning over every couple minutes to choke up a little blood and fluid, and Aaron periodically rising to gather different papers and his quill. A servant (their favorite girl is off today) brings news of an urgent meeting. Aaron doesn't know what to do. His attendance is wanted for both Hamilton and himself but how can he leave Alexander alone?

"Go." Alexander rasps, throat raw from the constant coughing. "This is important Aaron." Aaron hesitates still torn. Hamilton has had enough. "Get dressed Burr. Do your job." he snaps as best he can. The result isn't overly scary but nor is it so pathetic that Aaron can ignore the challenge. He dresses(despite the terrible ache in his gut) and leaves instructions with the servants to keep a close eye on Alexander.

The meeting lasts much longer than Burr expects. He considers sending a note to Eliza, asking her to stop by his place and check on Alexander, but he remembers that she's visiting Angelica in London and is forced to wait. Moments before Burr loses his patience with the squabbling the meeting has devolved into, everyone decides to adjourn and Burr is first out the door. He races home, perhaps looking a bit undignified in the process, because as he gets closer he feels that something is terribly wrong. He flies through the front door at top speed, dropping his bag, papers scattering across the foyer. His shoes sound heavy on the stairs, make him feel as if he's moving too slowly, and then he's outside the door of a spare room, the one he initially gave Alexander, wading in a sea of his frightened looking servants. One of them nervously addresses Burr, "He locked himself in there not long after you left, sir. We've been trying to get him out but he hasn't responded. No sound except for the coughing."

Aaron sighs in relief. Alexander is still alive then. "You're all free to return to your other duties," Aaron announces to the servants. They scatter, afraid of any strong emotions that could cost them their jobs. Aaron knocks on the door. "Alexander, open up." There's no response, just a weak cough. Aaron doesn't feel like playing Alexander's game today so he pulls out his house wide skeleton key and unlocks the door. The scene before him makes his heart stop. Alexander is sitting on the bed, chamber pot at his feet, holding Aaron's pistol, which is loaded and cocked. He jumps at the sound of the door being opened and attempts to hide the pistol but it's too late. Aaron lunges across the room faster than he's ever moved, tackling Alexander backwards and grabbing the gun. Once in possession of the weapon he quickly un-cocks and unloads it. The air between him and Alexander is still. "Stay here." Aaron commands, his voice leaving no room for argument. He returns to the master bedroom and puts the pistol away( he makes a mental note to hide it later) before rejoining Alexander in the guest room.

"I never thought I'd understand my cousin so well." Alexander muses weakly, as Aaron takes a seat beside him. "It's a helpless feeling. My life is, and will continue to be, nothing more than a drain on those involved. Better to end it now than let it go on, dragging the lot of you behind like a runaway carriage."

Aaron flushes with rage. "And who the fuck put that idea into your head?" he snarls, causing Alexander to recoil in surprise at both the venom and explicative.

"N-no one did," Alexander stutters, "but it was obvious." He clears his throat, stifling a cough before continuing. "For some mad reason, you and Eliza have been hell bent on caring for me. And you especially, letting me move in like some old, sick relative. . ."

"I love you, Alexander Hamilton, or did you forget?" Aaron squeezes out through a throat closing with tears. "Eliza considers you a dear brother and you are my world, Alexander. And we would give anything to keep you here with us forever. But that's not how life works. Death takes as indiscriminately as love does so we enjoy the time we have with the people we love while they still live. Please don't take that time away from us. Please don't take it away from me." Unwelcome tears begin to slip down Aaron's reddened cheeks and shame burns through Alexander, prompting unbidden words to the tip of his tongue.

"God Aaron, I wasn't thinking! I'm so sor-"

"No, don't apologize. You felt that way and it's alright." Aaron cuts him off. "I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. I shouldn't have left you, especially with Eliza out of town. But you must promise me if you ever feel the need to. . ." he stops, unable to say it, before raggedly pushing out, "to do this again, you tell me, you tell Eliza, you tell one of the servants, you tell someone, anyone, and I will help you because I love you."

Alexander opens his mouth to reply, but for one of few times in his life he has nothing. The silence between the pair is deafening and Aaron is about to suggest they return to his(their) room when Alexander finally breaks down, weeping and wheezing into his hands. Aaron instinctively pulls him into an embrace, close enough that he can hear the almost silent, "Why?" between sobs. He already knows what Alexander is asking.

"I love you because you are you, and I know it sounds insensible but it's true." he whispers into Alexander's hair. The weeping and wheezing continue, but now the sobs are punctuated with the occasional "I love you". How Alexander manages to live and break his heart at the same time Aaron will never know but here they are.

It takes a grand total of fifteen minutes for an absolutely exhausted Alexander to cry himself out and fall into a fitful sleep in Aaron's arms. Wanting the man to get some adequate rest, he scoops Alexander up and proceeds to their (yes, their) room. They bump into one person on the way. It's Aaron's (and Alexander's) favorite servant. She's carrying Aaron's pistols. She notices Alexander is sleeping and keeps her voice to a barely audible whisper.

"The others sent for me shortly before you arrived home, sir. They were afraid and hoped that I could help. We all know how much Mr. Hamilton means to you. He means a lot to us too, especially me. And I imagine you would want this," she tilts her chin towards the weapons in her hands, "taken care of immediately. Don't worry, sir, he'll never find them, even if he tears apart the house." Aaron smiles warmly at the girl in gratitude. She smiles sadly back, an understanding Aaron doesn't like in her eyes. "I had a sister once," Aaron strains even harder to hear as her voice drops (and worries about just how light Alexander is considering the man's dead weight hasn't become a bother), "and she was wonderful. So wonderful that a man forcefully took her for his own. It broke her, the stigma, and the fact that he had physically injured her so badly that she could no longer bear children. She was seventeen at the time, and I was ten. She hung herself a year later to the day in the same tree in our backyard that she'd taught me climb whenever there was danger. I climbed it three years later when the man came looking for me. Sat up there and wished I had a rope. But now I'm glad I just hid. I got to meet you and Mr. Hamilton and I know my sister is looking down, smiling. I only wish you could've met her too." With that the girl scrambles off to hide the pistols, leaving Aaron with an armful of Alexander, a shocked mind, and a saddened heart. A slight, sleepy cough from his arms brings Aaron back to reality. He quickly takes Alexander into their room and tucks him into bed but as he pulls away to go change into more comfortable clothes, Alexander's arms wrap around his neck.

"Stay." Alexander mumbles through the blankets. Aaron's heart warms.

"I simply need to change, my love. I'll be right across the room." Aaron assures him. Alexander tentatively lets go of Aaron who hurriedly changes and returns to bed. As he crawls under the blanket, Alexander coughs weakly, preparing to speak.

"She's an orphan you know. Lyr, I mean. She told me her actual name, and it's not Aliyah. She's alone in the world, pays rent at an inn downtown under a man's name, Joshua Whits, I believe. Says the closest she's got to family since her sister died, her mother fell ill with something Lyr fought off('a bonding point for them' Aaron thinks), and her father drank himself into the grave is us." he rasps, stopping every couple words to cough or catch his breath. "Please," Alexander pleads, words, slowing, "tell her I'm sorry if she comes in while I'm asleep. You will, won't you. I know I ask so much of you daily but-" Alexander trails off.

"Of course Alexander. Please rest. It's been a long day. Besides, she understands, I'm sure." Aaron placates Alexander. It's unnecessary. The latter has already fallen asleep. Aaron is well on his way to sleep too when he hears the door creak open. Two familiar eyes peep in from the hall. Aaron raises an eyebrow, though not unkindly. Lyr's head enters the room and she nods purposefully. Aaron nods a silent thank you and turns back to Alexander as the door clicks shut. The pistols are hidden, and Alexander is safe in his arms. They will struggle through tomorrow. Alexander will still be ill and Lyr will still be fending for herself and now Aaron will take responsibility for them both, but they will make it, Aaron hopes. They have this far.


	2. Alternate Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!!! Yes ,there are spoilers but it's important.
> 
> This is an alternate ending that's not really in keeping with what I intended to do with this universe. But it was nagging at me until I wrote it. Burr is too late to stop him this time and it's bad. Slightly graphic. Rather painful. If anything suicide or gun related comes anywhere near triggering you please just skip this. Pretend it doesn't exist. If you're going to continue, the scene begins right after Aaron unlocks and opens the door.

The scene before him makes his heart stop. Alexander is sitting on the bed, chamber pot at his feet, Aaron's pistol pressed to his temple.

"Wait!" Aaron yells, a second too late, as the gun goes off. The sound is too loud inside the enclosed space. His ears ring. There are footsteps, rushed, approaching from somewhere in the house. Alexander is slumped over on the bed. His mess of a head and face are too high for Aaron to see. He feels like a child, lost, alone, and crying on his knees. There's a gasp behind him, and then hands on his elbows, pulling him up from behind.

"Come, Mr. Burr," a serving girl's voice says. It can't be the one he thinks. She is off today. "Mr. Burr," the girl prods insistently, "please allow me to aid you to your quarters." He senses more people appearing in the door, senses the horror building behind him. He struggles to his feet, and the serving girl ('It is her' he muses) takes his hand gently. He means to say something, give orders to treat Alexander gently when they clean the room, but he lets himself be led past in stunned silence. Two maids enter the room and shut the door behind them. Aaron knows they are good women. They will respect Hamilton's body. The girl coaxes him down the hall and into his room before shutting the door. He stands in the middle of the floor, lost without the direction of her hand. She guides him to a chair before retrieving a wet cloth from the wash basin and cleaning his face. He lets her. Propriety stills her hands a moment when she's done, but she sets the cloth to the side and unties his cravat, untucks his shirt, and removes his shoes. Aaron should tell her to go, should take care of himself. Her eyes are reminiscent of Hamilton's. He lets her lead him to bed. She tucks him in and he wiggles slightly loose to take her hand while she sings him all the lullabies she knows. He's not ready to sleep. Time will move forward if he does, and Hamilton will really be gone. She sings another lullaby. It's Carribean. Aaron falls asleep halfway through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so you made it. That probably wasn't easy to read. It wasn't easy to write. We can talk about it. Tumblr: randomambitions.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> If you ever feel the way poor Alex did then please reach out to someone. You are so precious and the world would be darker without you. Tumblr: randomambitions.tumblr.com


End file.
